Happy New Year Baby!

Happy New Year to all! One of my resolutions is to be funnier in 2006. Another is to lose weight. Isn't that 70% of ppl's anyway? Get my fat ass to the Gym. It's fucking 4 miles away, and I can't manage to go there? Is it even open tomorrow? I bet it will be crowded because everyone else is dragging their fat asses there. lol................... i'm going to try to come up with a horrible neighbor story Every Tuesday. And on Wednesdays.........it's is that masculine? Are you like me and want to see more men act like John Wayne instead of Richard Simmons. man: wow. you never wear Jeans to work. ( to another man) What he really wants to say is: wow. your ass looks great. Gimme a real man. One who eats bullets for lunch. What do YOU say? oh, and hell i so wanted to make the time midnight for my post, but i'm no cheater.

Bored housewife bores me.

I dumped the " bored housewife". Today, she did an audio blog.............lol tip for the day......if you are so obsessed with your computer and blogging you feel the need to record an audio post while driving...pull over and take note. Get a life. While blogging is fun, no one wants to hear you whine for 10 minutes about the weather and how good your workout was. Halfway in the middle of her audio post she says, " oops. i better watch where i'm going' I can see the headline now............. Woman killed while recording an audio post. Heaven help the bitch. Well, she's boring and she's dumped. Got porn?

I dumped the over-sexed couple

Every once in a while you need to check your blogroll to determine who's not picking up the slack. This couple was more interested in sex, than blogging.

dumped. I added a few new blogs since last month. check them out. and check out waiter rant....he's hilarious. Peace.

" The Alternate Reality"

do you have a friend/family member who seems to have an alternate view of reality? I have a cousin, we'll call her Katie. We've been close all our lives........i've been through ups, downs, boyfriends, people who she used to call her friends, etc. with this gal.

She found out an old b/f of hers died this summer. It was a shock, but this man had been sick for quite some time. The problem is......our views on their relationship differ. Mr. X cheated on her, flirted with girls in front of her, put her down, and basically tried to single handedly destroy her self esteem. This happened many years ago. I know what you are thinking...what does that have to do with anything? well, i'll tell you. Katie's mother said while she was sorry Mr. X died, she was glad he/Katie did not end up married. I echoed the sentiment. She lashed out that Mr. X was the most wonderful b/f in the world. ! I know she's upset, emotions run wild, but my dear cousin has a habit of always seeking an "alternative reality". She's been on meds for depression, meds to help her sleep. Im just " there" for her. But, I was curious to see if anyone else has someone in their life who refuses to believe reality, and would rather invent their own version of life. I'll give you an example of a Mr. X/Katie moment.

Mr. X was a very intelligent man. He probably had an iq of 160. He was 10 years older than Katie. They'd been dating a year, and Mr. X, who was the career college student, came home from college one day and said, and I quote, " I need someone in my life who is on my level, with my intelligence, someone I can come home to and discuss real issues. I just can't find that in you. " ! Katie called me that day, some 13 years ago, and I remember our conversation. She was crying, and said " Am I stupid"? ( she's not) I just calmly told her that there was a big age difference, and Mr. X had experienced a lot more of life than she had. Katie is a firm believer than age doesn't matter. But it does. Do you have a Katie in YOUR life?

Happy New Year all!

Get Your Sirius today!

I went to Best Buy to get my sirius Radio, and they sold the last plug in for your vehicle while I was there.......... Bummer!

But, I went to Radio Shack, and bought one. I highly recommend it. There is a gay/lesbian channel, which I flip to occasionally............ Sirius 106........

Today, they had a few men chatting about having sex with Straight men.......

What I learned from Sirius today........I wish I could remember the DJ's name.......but anyway...here goes.

For Gay men...how to pick up a straight pizza delivery guy........

1. make sure it's his last delivery for the night
2. put on some straight porn.....where the woman is going down on the man
3. tell him you have your money in your wallet in another room
4. make casual talk as you make sure he watches the steamy scene on your television set
5. hope for the best..............................


This was entertaining because the gay men were commenting on how many straight men they'd done. I was thinking: could my husband be tempted by a gay man? he says No. So do you have Sirius yet??????? I hope you all had a very , Merry Xmas.

I just signed up for SIRIUS

I'm so excited. I just signed up for Sirius Satellite Radio. Howard Stern isn't coming until Jan. 9, but I thought i'd sign up early...........So far, I like the court TV channel, the music (Commercial free)......the 70's station rocks. They also have some talk channels which have advice.....I'm new to Sirius, so I'm sure I'll have a lot more info soon. There is a few comedy channels which feature stand up comedy (uncensored) which means foul language.......... i can't believe the FCC would even think to try and Censor Cable TV or satellite radio.....that's INSANE. We are paying for both. My cable bill is 150.00 a month. If I dont' want my 7 yr old watching Violence or nudity....... I can stop that myself. He watches Cartoon network. He does want to watch South Park like his older brothers ( 15 & 21 ), But I said no. How do these religious groups really know how much smut is on cable unless they are paying for it, and watching it? I say.....butt out........... keep an eye on watch your kids are watching, but for you conservatives.......esp religious conservatives...........DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO HBO OR SHOWTIME IF YOU DONT' WANT SMUT. End of story. Im a grown adult........I'll watch nude men doing the nasty if I want to! Do you have SIRIUS yet?

What did you get me?

Now is the time to ponder the useless Xmas gifts you've gotten over the years........ I can think of a few.......... I got a popcorn popper..... a Deep fryer (I try to eat healthy) and last year We got a box of 4 hot sauces......lol (We're re-gifting that one this year to a man who always looks for hot sauce when he's eating out.........so he'll love it. What's the worst gift You've ever gotten? BTW, you can comment on this one!

South Park slams Tom Cruise?

South Park is all in fun. And Tom Cruise is an idiot sometimes. He went on Oprah to tell everyone how happy he was.........engaged to Katie Holmes. But everyone was happy for him when he was married to Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, and engaged to Penelope Cruz. And Penelope wasn't that long ago. Tom is happy he is engaged to a young woman who is probably about 16 years younger than he is. Who knows how long this will last............But south park is all in fun, and he needs to get a sense of humor. But--he's now at the age where he starts losing things.........memory, hair, the young wife, etc. etc. He was quoted as saying That some ppl don't want to see him happy. Tom was the one jumping on Oprah's couch. !

So Long Howard Stern from " Free Radio"

I've been a Howard Stern fan for probably at least 10 years, and off and on before that. When I first started listening to Howard, I thought.....oh God here's a guy who never got laid in High school, and now he's obessed with women and boobs. But, as I started listening, he was very entertaining, and I grew to love the show. Today was Howard's final broadcast. It was a very emotional show. I am going to buy Sirius, and follow Howard, and who knows--maybe they'll be a few other funnier shows............ Happy Shopping!!!

The Rude Groom

As printed in the Washington Post, in the Dear Amy column, a photographer describes what I feel is a rude Groom.

At the wedding, the minister was nearing the end of the ceremony, and the Groom's cell phone rang. The photgrapher could overhear him saying, " Dude, I'm getting married." Now at a wedding, usually your close friends and family are there. Who the hell called him? And why would he bring his cell phone to his wedding?

I dont' know if I'd marry this clod.

Are you hitting on me?

I did go Xmas shopping last night, and I went into our local Spencer gifts. There were two women working there who appeared to be lesbians. I asked to see the earrings, and was shown a certain pair, and one lesbian smiled at me. Not that there is anything wrong with being a lesbian, but i'm very hetero. Anyway, both women were dressed very manly, and the one ringing up my purchases was smiling, and appeared to be flirting with me. I really wasn't flattered, but my husband started up an unusual banter. The woman gave me a " Punchcard" in which each time i purchased something, i'D get a " Punch". My husband says, " I'll give her a punch". Then the woman replied, " that would be illegal" and i said," Only if you get caught". To which she replied, " well, when you show up for work the next day with a black eye............................. Then she looked at me and added one more tidbit. "Unfortunately, i like getting punched". ! Well, i won't be punching any lesbians any time soon.........lol. How is YOUR Xmas shopping going?

Shop til you drop!

tonight, i'm going Xmas shopping. That is supposed to be fun, right? Well, I hope it will be. i hate picky people that ask for things you can't possibly find. What is the true meaning of Xmas? I think the true meaning is giving a gift that you really think is special. Selfish ppl would disagree. tomorrow is horrible neighbor day. Do YOU have a horrible neighbor story to share? Happy Shopping!

New Reality show: Expand my waistline!

I was reading an article in The Washington Post about Eating contests......... More on that later. I'm adding a few blogs to my blogroll. The Bored housewife actually had 63 comments from one of her posts? Why the hell Can't I get 63 comments? Did she write them all herself?

note to self: check that out. See if the bored housewife was really that bored. !

check out the blogs to the left, please, you'll be entertained. And now, on to our entry.

A 22 yr old from Kentucky, relocates to Sterling Va, so he can enter eating contests. What do they put in the water in Kentucky? lol

He says, " I just want to eat food, impress my friends, and win money". I'm sure his mom is proud. Right now, the lad weighs 165 lbs. That could change.

They are speed eating contests.........and you win money if you eat the most in the least amount of time. But their are side effects, like vomiting, heartburn, diarrhea, and painful gas. But when you are 22, who cares?

Well, I can't eat much, so I won't be competing, but maybe I'll see some of you at the Glutton Bowl ( an actual event) !

time to cut the fat........

no, not off me silly...........off the blogroll. If I can't be funny, I certainly would love for you to read these blogs I've found. Especially Waiter rant.

Ok, first of all, I owe you a horrible neighbor story. Billy Bob has been quiet lately. And No! I'm not obsessed with him. He's just the White trash neighbor project-you-have-to-talk-about. Billy Bob was standing out on his porch at 25 degrees.............waiting for his " Ride". His step-son picks him up each morning. I have to say, it must be embarrassing to have to depend on your wife's son to pick you up. My husband would not stand for that! Anyway, Billy bob is like an excited child, watching all the neighbors to see what he'll catch in the morning. This morning, me returning from dropping off my children was the highlight of his morning, i'm sure. Nothing exciting on the neighbor front.........but I do have a funny story coming up in the next entry. Stay tuned...............

Valerie & Eddie divorcing?

say it isn't so! Well, Valerie Bertinelli has held up well, but, Eddie, looks a little worse for ware for 50. After all, he has been through drinking, drugging, and cancer in 2000-2001. What WILL they do now? And, as for Jennifer Anniston sunbathing and warning mags not to publish topless photo's.........hmmmmmmmmm........Does she really have enough that we can see them? And what about Saddamm Hussein not showing up for court and telling the judge to go to hell. Who knew he'd be giving the judge problems?! I missed horrible neighbor day twice, I believe, so I owe you a few stories. Billy Bob has been quiet lately, it's cold out, and I suppose he'd holed up inside drinking beer. He did tell my husband that the Doctor told him again: Stop drinking and smoking or you're going to die. Where's willpower when you need it? Have a great Wednesday, and are YOU ready for Xmas?

What Christian conservative is reading Gay magazines?

Ok. so the christian conservatives are upset. About Ford advertising in a Gay Magazine. I didn't know that. How the hell did the Conservative christians find out? < tapping finger.

Hmmmmmmmm. I know. It's that Minister who finishes his sermon, and heads back to his office for a nip and a look at a Gay magazine. Who the hell are they trying to kid?

If snuff films had Julia Roberts in them......how would we know, for sure, unless we watched them? I think Ford should just deny that they advertise in the Gay mags, and make those christian conservatives prove it.

And I bet those conservatives are watching all that smut on cable too. What do YOU think?

Raise your hand if you have Morals!

This is a lesson in morals. Ask yourself. If you had a middle aged neighbor who was undressing in front of his bedroom window, with no curtains..........would you say anything to him?

If your 16 yr old daughter was watching him, then you checked it out to make sure she wasn't lying...and YOU saw him naked, would you tell him?

We had such a situation in my neighborhood. I wasn't the neighbor who witnessed the peeping, but I was the neighbor who informed him. I think it was totally unacceptable for " Billy Bob" to keep this info to himself, and let his 16 yr old daughter and her friends " watch" my neighbor in various stages of undress. Yes, shame on my neighbor, but more-so shame on Billy Bob.

The only instance in which I wouldn't tell is if I lived across from Brad Pitt, and could look through my binoculars and see him. !


Hope you all had a great weekend! Monday is coming!

Just add 5 lbs to my Ass

Yesterday, a friend and I were shopping. She suggested I try the Dairy Queen " Blizzard". Hell, they had lard blizzard, bacon grease blizzard, pumpkin pie, etc. ( just kidding). I got a small one and it was the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard. Hell! I didn't even finish half of it, it was so good and so rich and sweet. In my 20's, i would have finished it. I'm trying to eat healthy and that thing was so rich. It's actually thicker than a shake. If you ate one a day, you'd have JLo's ass in a few months, only not firm, flabby. Pass the carrot sticks, please. Have YOU tried the Blizzard?